Sunday, 21 June 2009
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im trying to avoid my last paper, which happens to be the most difficult of them all.
not in my life, referring to studying, i've never come across such a difficult time in pursuing knowledge. partly because i think, i'm not that stupid and i'm more afraid of reading questions that i do not know the answer to it. and also because i just don't want to fail. and my grades are fair and good so far and i've been achieving good grades especially undergrad. now that im in postgrad, everything has changed. it's been such a difficult time. very stressful and it often takes alot of courage to move on. and a lot of breakdowns and giving ups.
i don't know how it has made me someone like this and it feel so conflicted. conflicted to that i've been given an option to opt out and forever leave this dream that i want to achieve, aside. and the fact, i dont think im that stupid to not be able to complete this program and achieve my goal. and the lack of determination and overcoming the fear.
havent been really sleeping well ever since i took up masters. my sleeping patterns have recently worsen that instead of 5AM which was already bad enough, managed to extend to 9AM in the morning-- having to lie on the bed constantly struggling and overcome the frustration that i repeatedly find myself still awake as the clock ticks. i tucked in at 4AM and it takes 5 hours to sleep.
and throughout the semester, i've been having panic attacks that i have no idea how to convince myself that it is okie because it seems like the mind functions seperately- from the body. and you can't control what you think and when to stop thinking about it.
words and more words of the lecture notes and the exam papers keep repeating itself in the mind that being awake for the past 43 hours, i am already mentally exhausted and not able to sleep, still.
my aid is prescribed sleeping pills and it has recently lost its effect because the doc says i've been taking it too often. but i guess i really have no other way to sleep and wake up feeling fresh the next day to start memorizing my exam materials.
it's so conflicting. i don't really know how can i manage my stress levels and be more relaxed.
if i'm not on the table reading i msut be on the bed to sleep. that's what one side of the mind who often dominates the entire time, perceives what life should be now. and that also means that, i would not get groceries even if there's nothing at home to eat. i would not be taking a walk outside to relax because it only means im wasting my bloody time. i don't know why i can't convince myself to just take a 15 minute break to walk in the park and maybe i can be less stressed. i would feel too guilty to even walk out of the apartment.
i don't really know how to address this, but hopefully once my exam ends next friday.. all this will be disappearing until at least before the next semester starts.
it's been a difficult time and once again, i wanna remind myself that im not that stupid and i must carry on!
yeeeharh!
with love,
xoxox
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